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On to business!

moms house is filthy. its a combination of shitty house that landlord wont help and lack of people giving a shit. i hate cleaning, but holy fuck i cant not clean today. if i have to live here i dont want to be overwhelmed by trash and dirt. i cant make the house beautiful or fix problems beyond the walls (i.e. plumbing, electricity. etc.) but i can try to make it more liveable than what its been. maybe if im lucky ill change some attitudes enough that i wont be the only one giving a shit about cleanliness...

i dont expect to be out partying or anything but i would really like to make time occasionally for friends and whatnot. balance is the key.

gotta go to job & family, and wic soon soon. i dunno how much help ill get but i gotta try. i was already on wic and made the mistake of putting off calling them or stopping by the office when i didnt get an appointment notice in the mail last month like i normally do. i hate the way those women talk, like im somehow not good enough or that i dont know jack shit about anything. i dread having to interact with them. im hoping my moms income wont send me over the limits for receiving help. though considering i dont also have jeffs income anymore im probably ok. *shrugs & crosses fingers*

next in line is getting a job and learning how to drive which will probably have to be thrown together somehow. separately i have no idea if it would even work doing one or the other first. theyre both important for the other.


wow, i dont even know.. i have things in my head that i want to put somewhere but organizing them into something coherent is proving to be a challenge. i spent the better part of yesterday evening trying not to think. when i did i felt a sense of vertigo and an overall "OH SHIT" wave of emotion. when im not thinking about anything important im almost calm and mellow (more like numb and floaty-spacey but i suppose that could be the pot more than anything *lol...*)...dare i say accomplished? no not accomplished because that makes the whole situation sound like something i should be proud of. and im not proud of it. it hurts so much that i did what i did. i cant even say it. i said it once and it felt awful. im not ready to say it again.

id say the only thing i have to be proud of is that i stopped standing still and making everything a mess. theres still lots of mess that needs to be picked up but ive at least started the process. now my problems are in thinking. i need to think to keep moving forward but im afraid if i think about it ill get too overwhelmed to move any farther forward. theres that word again... "afraid." i need to erase it from my vocabulary. ive been living in fear for far too long. living in fear isnt living at all.

at least now i can make a plan instead of wondering what the fuck im supposed to be doing. work my ass off instead of laying around the house miserable and useless to anyone. if i get nothing else out of this i hope to at least become a functioning person of society. i want to at least be able to survive and know that belle will have everything she needs from me. to learn to better appreciate EVERYTHING.

*trying to keep a sense of humor. better to laugh than cry non stop right? not that i dont cry. i know thats important to.*

May. 5th, 2011

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
LIttle voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
i dont want to be married anymore!! i want my freedom back. call me selfish or whatever but im tired of worrying about someone elses feelings in every damn decision i make. aside from belle obviously, i always want to do what i can for her. maybe it would be different if things werent so messed up between me and jeff. i used to blame him but i know i cant really do that anymore. its just as much me as it is him nowadays. im told i dont try hard enough. half the time i think thats bullshit and the other half believes it. i dont know if that believing part is more to do with my lack of self confidence or seeing the truth. its probably both. its always both. there is no black or white in my life, its all grey area. what i know for sure though is that its hard to really put effort into something you hearts not completely into. and thats what it comes down to i guess. my hearts just not in it like it used to be. people change, whether its for the better or worse it effects the way things work. i feel badly about it because even though jeff turned into someone i barely recognized and hurt me so much after we got married, in the last few years he has changed for the better a lot. ive also learned how to tolerate the stupid shit a lot better. something broke in me when it went bad and even though i can find good things in him now i just dont love him the way i used to. ive tried to get it back many times. it works out fine for a little while and then it just falls apart all over again and i know we are both tired of that. the back and forth was never healthy but its just really wearing us down now.
but im stuck because im scared, because circumstances of leaving are maybe almost worse. i have nowhere to go but my moms house and if it were just me i had to worry about i wouldnt give a shit, anything would be better than feeling like ive lost myself. i love my brother but he makes everyones lives around him a living hell and my mom wont do a damn thing about it. i feel like im going to screw belle up by being around his behavior. the smart thing to do would have been to get a job, learn how to drive, etc etc a long fucking time ago, then maybe id be able to find somewhere else to go. i should be doing that now as well but im not and i really dont know why. im impatient to get away but im not helping myself to do so. i keep waiting and waiting for something to come along and give me what i need or at least help me a little to get where i need to go and i really think ill be waiting for eternity because im supposed to do this all on my own.
i really wanna do this 30 day challenge thing on facebook but i know certain things id want to post would only cause drama. to post it without drama id have to chose things that didnt mean as much and it would just defeat the whole purpose. im tired of hiding how i really feel. im tired of not being able to love freely.

Writer's Block: Set the Scene

Empty parking garages, roadside motels, dark caves, dank basements, overgrown forests—what kind of setting makes you feel nervous?
err... everything? heh.
What's the most annoying thing that happened to you this week?
actually i think this week was fairly non annoying. it went really freaking fast for some reason. i know there had to be some really annoying stuff but i really cant remember it. which is a good thing. helps my depression when things go smoothly enough that i dont remember the bad stuff.

weekends are a godsend nowadays. they mean i get bigger breaks from taking care of Arabelle. it sounds horrible and i admit it makes me feel shitty for thinking a lot of the things i do about all this motherhood stuff. i didnt want to admit it to myself but i feel like im gonna do some good by getting it out, either for myself or someone else who may be in the same situation. maybe i will help someone realize they arent alone and maybe its normal to feel this way.

i wanted to be a mom so badly and my depression (at least i hope its just because of the depression) makes me sometimes want to give it up, leave. part of it, a small part of it, was that i wasnt really ready to be a mom. i kinda got more obsessed with just getting pregnant (because it was taking so long to "accidentally" happen i worried i wasnt going to be able to) than actually thinking about what having a kid was going to be like and whether or not i could handle it.

i knew it was going to be hard, but i never imagined how hard. i never imagined id be doing so much alone. to be honest though ive got it easy. i dont want to think about how badly i wouldve handled a baby who cries more than Arabelle does. shes a handful enough and shes on the laid back end of the baby temperament scale. i love her to pieces though and imagining not seeing her hurts. ive decided i just dont like babies much. haha theyre cute and all, but so demanding and not being able to communicate or really do much of anything with her play wise pretty much sucks. i want to interact with her and her be able to interact more back. i cant wait till the first time she giggles and laughs. that is probably going to melt my heart. just her smiles make me melt. seeing her smile so big at her daddy makes my heart melt. when shes calm and/or sleeping and im cuddling her, its so relaxing.

it broke my heart the first time we let her cry because we were trying to get her to go to sleep at night without being held (we still have problems with it, and just letting her cry it out so to speak doesnt do any good. most things we try do no good. shes gotten to the point that even being held doesnt always help, she has to be in the living room with us). i went in at one point to change her diaper and as soon as she was in my arms she stopped crying but had this look on her face..i dont know how to describe it any other way than it was like she was thinking, "why dont you love me?" and she had those sorta hiccups you get when you cry hard for awhile. she looked so pitiful it hurt. i started sobbing cause it killed me that i could do what she needed to make her feel better but i had to put her back in her crib after i was done.

but i just hate a lot of things. the things that suck to do and deal with. i hate that i hate it as much as i do. i want it to get better. i want to enjoy more. i dont want to feel like i cant handle it and have to leave. i feel like im a horrible mom because of all the negative thoughts i have. the fact that shes still alive and kicking and mostly happy obviously means im doing something right, but its hard to feel like im doing a good job.

this week has been better because jeff finally started helping out more. i can feel that im still stressed and depressed but its a little bit easier with jeff being more supportive. but i really need to stop putting off making an appointment to get on meds. that may just be the thing i need to make everything ok.
live journal sent me an email notification about my own birthday. how silly.

Writer's Block: When I Grow Up

Do you ever do anything now that you swore you would never do when you were younger? What is it?

drinking and drugs. i was pretty much against them the whole time i was in high school. my dads drinking caused so many problems for our family that i didnt want to go anywhere near that shit. i cant really remember if i had the same attitude towards drugs or if i just had no interest in em. once i realized that i wasnt going to turn out like my dad just because i drank i kinda just let go. i started out slow but was a major partier for about a year (just pot and alcohol). that year is pretty blurry cause i was intoxicated more than not. i dont regret it though. i didnt get out of control to the point that i was fucking up my life. i dont think i was really doing any more than anyone else my age was doing. i was probably doing a lot less than a lot of people.

Writer's Block: Significant Change

Have you ever tried to change yourself for someone you were in a relationship with (or wanted to be in a relationship with)? Did it work?

it was actually after a relationship was over and while i was trying to stay friends with him. i dont know if you could really consider it trying to change but i was sacrificing a lot of my happiness to please him. it turned into a very mentally abusive and manipulative relationship. i was rather brainwashed too into thinking i was this horrible person because i couldnt keep him happy even though i was bending over backwards trying to. finally realized one day that i was better than that and vowed to never let someone do that crap to me again.

with jeff, i stopped cutting for him. it upset him a lot that i did it. he was scared i would end up accidentally hurting myself really badly or killing myself. i kinda fought with it at first because it helped keep me sane and kept me from taking out all my pain and anger on the people i love. eventually though i didnt need it anymore and im happy that ive gone so long without it. its been at least 2 years since i cut and even though lately my depression has been so bad, i dont think about it because i have an even more important person to think about it affecting (Arabelle).